Tuesday, January 10, 2006


My mom has always been... different from other moms. She talks openly about many parts of her life, including (but certainly not limited to) her drug use during her first pregnancy (yeah, that's me). She had moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career of fame and money-making... she had no real plan beyond that. Once she was here in LA, she found out she was pregnant. This is how she describes her six week stay here in LA:

Mom: It rained the whole time, and we all just sat around smoking pot...
Me: You were pregnant with me!!
Mom: Katie, I did a lot worse when I was pregnant with you... you're lucky you weren't born with a horn coming out of your head.

(Direct quote)

I've become accustomed to having a relationship with my mom where I'm usually the more adult one. This isn't to say my mom is irresponsible... it's just that she's a lot more reckless than I have ever been or ever will be.

My mom has gone through a lot over the course of her life, especially in the last few years. However, this past holiday, I noticed a change in her I didn't like... one I can't describe exactly. People keep asking me how my holiday was, and my response is always, "It was fine, it's just that my family is so...dysfunctional right now." Everyone's response is the same: "Everyone's family is fucked up."

I was talking about this with Gina, and she said it perfectly: "Yeah, everyone's family is weird, that's true. But when you go home and everything is completely different than it was the last time you were there, that's hard." And that's just it. My family has changed without me, and they have left no place for me. I should be more specific... my parents have changed, and that in turn has affected the way my sisters deal with their own lives.

Admittedly, it's not their responsibility to make sure I always "fit in" when I go back home. And I still love them just as much as I did before. But it's like watching a close friend drift away from you... you see them changing, maybe not in a way you like, and you realize you have less and less in common with them, where before, you felt at home. And there's nothing you can do.

The good things:
1. I will not be going back home often without Gina, since we're both from the same hometown.
2. My sisters and I are still as close as ever, and I don't see that changing. I don't think any of us would let that happen.
3. My mom still shows some shadows of the mom I remember, as evidenced in this photograph, taken with my phone (since I don't have a digital camera), where she has reacted to Gina paying the bill at Steak-n-Shake by giving her a very lipstick-y kiss on the cheek:


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