Go big or go home.

When it finally came time to transfer our two little frozen embryos, first frozen in 2013, I had it in my head that we would only do one at a time. My reasoning was twofold: I didn't want to use up all my chances in one go, and I did NOT want twins.

Every time we talked about trying to have another baby, we always said, "What's one more baby? Babies are easy!" And we imagined, with hearts and starts in our eyes, about what it would be like to have one toddler. A game changer! Isabella was an only child for 10 months. That's it. What would it be like to have ONE BABY/TODDLER AT A TIME? (I'll save details on this for another post, but let me interject here: TWINS ARE THE BEST. Truly. The fucking best. )

Truthfully, my biggest fear with twins was the actual pregnancy. I had been pregnant before and miscarried. I knew twins would be high risk for me, an Old Lady as far as pregnancy goes, with high but managed blood pressure and a lot of weight to lose. So in the months leading up to our transfer, it was going to be one embryo.

As we started prepping for the transfer, though, and as I started taking the medicine and buying the progesterone, the trauma of trying to make a baby came flooding back, and I started to think I just wanted to do this once and get it over with. I was finally okay if I never got pregnant. Why not just put them both in there and be done with it? Gina was okay with whatever I wanted, which is pretty much how it always goes when it comes to the stuff happening to my body.

I came across some research that embryos that are frozen, thawed, and re-frozen have a slightly less likelihood of implanting. Both of our embryos were in the same straw, so when you thaw one, you have to thaw the other one too.

When we got to the doctor's office on the day of the transfer, he asked, "How many are we putting in?"

I said, "Well, I'm a little nervous about twins..."

And he said, "Me too, considering your history."

"But you had to thaw them both, right?" He nodded. "And that means that if we re-freeze one, it will lose some of its quality...?"

I have a long history with my doctor, and he knows me well. He also is not woo-y at all and never pretends he knows the answer to the unanswerable. As with much of ART, this is not a sure thing. He shrugged. "I mean, not necessarily... it's tough to say."

I looked at Gina, and she gave me the, "Whatever you want to do" look. I said, "Let's just put them both in." Suddenly I felt very cocky for even thinking ONE would implant, let alone two.

I'm pretty sure Gina said, "Go big or go home." Or maybe I said that. I'm sure one of us did, because that's pretty much how we live our life.

My doctor didn't try to talk me out of it. "Okay, let's do it. Let's get you knocked up.*"

Kieran and Seraphina, 5 days past ovulation. 

*This is a thing he said to me after the first few tries, and after Gina kept telling him, "Come on, let's knock her up!!"