Thursday, November 18, 2004

This life.

I know you've all thought of it before, but let's remind ourselves, all together now: Life is weird.

I don't know why this continually surprises me. I realized it first when I left college and time seemed to double its speed in passing. Life just rolls on, whether or not you're ready for the next stop. When I forget this, time goes by even more quickly, and there will be months that will pass in a fog, and suddenly I'll emerge for air and all of the feelings that are numbed by the passage of time come to the surface, nagging me, reminding me that they're still there, needing attention. Hi! You're still in love with someone! You still don't have any money! You still haven't written that thing you told yourself you'd write!

You're still alive!

This is the one that gets me. I forget it sometimes. Or rather... I ignore it. I do what I need to do to get by. So many people do this. But I don't want to be one of those people. I fall into an easy routine, which divides my day into sections: morning, which is fueled by the so-important first cup of coffee. This lasts until 11ish, when I start to make lunch plans. Lunch is fine, but that time after lunch, between 2 and 6... that's the worst. If I'm having a good day, there will be a Diet Coke available, or I'll find five dollars in my bag and go buy myself a Starbucks (a coffee, not an actual store). But it seems my day HINGES on getting through these four hours. And I do this thing that I HATE: I rush it. I can't wait until it's over. Lately, all I want to do is sleep, to erase it all, to forget everything, to ignore everything. Not productive, really. And then AFTER 6, there's a bewitching hour where there's still a chance for me to do something good with my time... but it usually passes me by and then 9:00 rolls around and if I'm not out drinking, I want to be in my pajamas and curled up in my heaven bed, reading, thanks.

But then those times when I come up for air from the fog of life, when I'm reminded of all the pain and possible happiness, I'm reminded of being alive. I'm thankful. It's true.

Then there are just weird things... like today, for example, on my way to work... same route every day... 101N to the 170S (THE VALLEY!)... I saw TWO CARS that I saw yesterday. THE SAME CARS. One was a Jeep a vanity license plate about Loving Kids... the other was a non-descript white car with a guy driving it wearing a really big hat. The same hat he wore yesterday. On the same stretch of the 170. Crazy. I wonder if the big hat guy and the woman who loves kids ever questions existence or purpose. Or do they fall into the category of Everyone But Me, those people who know what life is about, have it all together, never get their hearts broken, filled with an endless flow of confidence that oozes out of them in a charming way. I wonder. Maybe I'll ask them if I see them again tomorrow...

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