Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Mother's Day: Year 2

It doesn't seem like a year ago that I posted this about my first Mother's Day as a real mom. At the same time, it somehow seems like a lifetime ago, because my life has changed so dramatically since then, and nowhere moreso than in the Motherhood Department. I remember then being overwhelmed and frustrated, but joyful and thankful and most importantly: in control.

That has changed, of course. If you think parenting an 18-month-old is hard, imagine adding a 2.5 year old suddenly to the mix. It's sort of like that science experiment you did in middle school (or in my case, you saw someone do on TV) where you pour the vinegar into the volcano and it "explodes." It's that - with human beings. I think everyone's journey to motherhood is different, and everyone's experience as a mom is different, but I find that MY experience seems especially different in that there are very few - if any - people I know that became mothers in a similar way to me. And I know every mom's life is full of "shoulds" - I should feel this way, I should do this, I should think that, this should happen this way - but sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in shoulds, shoulds that I can't even say out loud, shoulds I think no one else (except Gina, of course) could possibly ever understand.

But here's what I've learned over the last year - it doesn't matter what the shoulds are, because life keeps moving forward. The girls keep growing - they keep entering and exiting developmental phases, and then sometimes entering them again. But this is how it is. This is what we have, and WE are what THEY have. I am what they have. I'm tired. I feel never-enough. I feel a million things at once and sometimes nothing at all. And the whole time, they are just here, growing and changing - emotionally, physically, mentally. They say things like, "Mommy, your nails are so beautiful," and "Come to me, mommy," and "Fuck."

Yep. I'm sure I'm doing a million things wrong, but somewhere in there, something is right.



Kim Tracy Prince said...

Perfect. I have nothing else to say. Except BWAHAHA and LOL and I love you.

traci lombardo said...

Great read Katie. I understand the shoulds. I say them all the time to myself, even after I've raised one that has reached adulthood. I can never be enough for any of mine.! Thank goodness there are other people on this planet that might, just might, fill some of those voids I inadvertently create.
The kids are so different as well, so I find myself being one way to one kid and another way to the other, unintentionally. I'm sure that's going to fuck them up somehow too! All we have is that unconditional love that is always there, even when it hides away deep in our

maidel said...

Your girls are so very lucky to have you.

christinabern said...

I love your should comment. I learned recently not to be so judge-y. As soon as I think "wow, that happened to your kid?", I'm experiencing it! Also, my fuse is short. Have they developed anything to lengthen our fuses?