Wednesday, October 13, 2004


"why do people learn how to surf? they get bruised, busted, beaten by the ocean, but when they finally learn, it's heaven."

that's what chrissie said to me in our middle-of-the-day two hour phone conversation (love that free mobile-to-mobile... they NEVER stop working for us!) as i choked back tears, circling around the answer to my current girl problem. i was running errands for work and we chatted the whole time, about love, politics, girls, the EX factor, fire extinguishers, fires, babysitters and marriage (gay AND straight, successful ones AND those that end in murders). i'm grateful for her... she's a good listener and a loyal girl.

in any case, her surfing reference was typical coming from her, yet beautiful because she knows. she surfs. and she's been in love. and it made sense. it's an audition, and practice makes perfect, and as sandra bernhard says: "i always love very deeply"... and something about learning to love stronger and deeper with each relationship. (exact quote to come)

i'm the girl who always says to her friends, "things happen for a reason. people come in and out of your life for very specific reasons at very specific times." and i get that, and it's easy to say. what's not easy is tempting fate in such a way where you risk losing out, with the persistent underlying doubt that you might be making a mistake.

it's trite. i know, you don't have to tell me.

maybe i cut out the love factor completely and return to that girl i was before i ever fell in love: passionate about so many OTHER things... film, theater, writing, friends. i'm fine on my own. i just miss her. that's it. i wonder if it's nostalgia and the cinematic "romance" of our story... a feeling that causes me to scream, "this CAN'T be how this ENDS."

i'm going to ignore it for a while and concentrate on the election. gotta have SOMETHING to piss me off at least once a day.

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