Thursday, September 02, 2004
every day of my life, i learn more and more how fucking great it is to be here. oh sure, sometimes it sucks: sometimes the marrow of your soul is sucked dry by unknown forces and you can't remember smiling or laughing or even crying... feeling... and all you can do is sleep because "god has made sleep so it erases every thought"... but then there are other days. those days when the sun is doing what you want it to do and you're with someone you love... not in a i'm-in-love-with-you-and-am-sad-because-i-can't-fuck-you sort of way, but in a i'm-amazed-by-you-more-every-minute-and-am-blessed-to-have-you-as-a-friend sort of way... and you're with him, or her, and you're in a mustang convertible driving through the desert, listening to music really loud, music in the cd player and music you're making up as you go, lyrics that make no sense but make you laugh like you're five years old again... and you feel connected, loved, cherished, happy, needed. and you realize that your broken heart that you were forced to deal with only three months ago had a purpose, and had your heart not been broken, you wouldn't be in this mustang convertible with this beautiful girl and this beautiful guy, driving through the desert, making up music as you go. it wouldn't be this hot, the sun wouldn't be setting this minute, and your eyes wouldn't be welling up with tears at the thought of what could have been and what might yet come to be. and that's what it is. life. i mean, there it is, right? it's that sunset, those tears, that $200, that surfer girl with the long blonde hair, freckles, and suspicious confidence, that michigan guy with a heart as warm as a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, that mustang, those sunflower seeds, that dancing queen, those leather seats, that cowboy hat, those silly songs, those shared memories, those snapshots of brilliance, that beautiful cocktail waitress, O'S, IP, and all the other things you say... that's it, right? despite the things that happen to me, despite their seemingly ficticious beginnings or similarities, my life is not a movie. i see it often from behind the lens... a wide shot of a girl in a bar, making people laugh, a cute girl hugging her... but it's here, i'm living it. it gets crazy, but it's never scripted, and my expectations will continually fade into a realm with which i'll never be familiar. it's freeing... it will open me to a world i've been living in but haven't believed. it will make me sit with my heartache just as i revel in my happiness. i'm ready for the rest of it.